There are things in this life that you should know, like just how easy it is to get in trouble with your partner. Even when you are innocent.
Yesterday evening I was doing a little Christmas shopping - I'd managed to buy one tee-shirt short from Gap, they were doing a buy two get one half price, so I bought 4. I have 5 nephews so I had to return to Gap (I'm sure that should be the title of a story...) I had completed the sale, bought some chocolates for my wife and was heading for the train when I saw something on the ground. It had moved so I thought the woman ahead of me had dropped it. I picked up what I discovered to be an earring and called the woman back. She smiled, assured me it wasn't hers but thanked me for checking anyway. So there I was, in the middle of Princes Street weighed down with bags and an earring in my hand. There wasn't any point in trying to track down its owner and there was nowhere to put it except back on the ground. That didn't feel right, so I put it in my pocket. Yes, I did.
At the station I bought some flowers for the wife - it's just one of the things I do because I've been away from home all day and I miss her. So, I get home and deposit shopping and my coat in the den. I give herself the flowers, laugh at the "why are you feeling guilty" remark she always makes when I give her flowers, and sit down on the bottom stair to take my shoes off. That was mistake one. I got the "couldn't you have taken those off in the lobby" look - she hates outdoor shoes to make it over the threshold. She plonked the flowers in a vase, still giving me the look as she passed by on her way to the den. I heard the sigh as she dumped my rucksack on the floor and picked my coat up off the chair. I have no secrets from my wife, that's how I believe couples should be - except of course for birthday and Christmas presents - so when she clears my pockets, I see it only as her way of making sure my keys and rail pass are recovered and put back safe in my bag. On the odd occasion, I have been known to get on the train only to realise that my ticket is safe at home in the jacket I wore yesterday.
So she cleared out my pockets as she often does. You're way ahead of me, right. I'd forgotten about the earring. As she pulled my keys out, it tumbled gracefully to the ground. I watched it fall, thinking "oh, there's that earring". My wife was obviously thinking other thoughts which she shared with me at great length. I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say the "I picked it up off the street" defence, failed miserably to sway the jury's opinion in my favour.
Now, I don't know about you, but when I'm accused of something I didn't do I tend to towards the realm of stubborn indignation. I admit it isn't a good tactic, but it's in my genes and I'm very good at it. My wife though is the terrier type, once she has a hold of something she's not letting go until it's been chewed over in every conceivable way possible and left for dead.
I decided that once I'd made my case I was saying nothing more. I have, after all, the right to remain silent. It is not an omission of guilt. In the end I couldn't take it. I yelled. Not something I do very often, but there are only so many times you can push the wrong buttons. Did she, I asked, think I was so stupid that if I was having an affair I would put an earring belonging to my mistress in my jacket pocket? Apparently the answer to that was yes. OK, I should have seen that coming too. It rendered me speechless and I could feel I was frowning. I think my mouth also opened and closed a couple of times with no words coming out, but I can't be absolutely sure.
And then she laughed. I still don't quite understand why, or how I was suddenly in the clear - and no way am I going to seek clarification on either of those points - but I got to sleep in my own bed which I seriously thought wasn't going to be an option.
This morning there are barbed comments, but I'm ignoring them - for now. Whoever dropped that earring, I hope you got as much grief for losing it as I did for finding it. Next time I see something on the pavement, it's staying there, period.
(I fixed my picture, and I did it myself. Thank you photoshop...)
