This is a time when lots of people make resolutions. Promises to themselves to lose weight, give up smoking or whatever it is they feel they need to do. Very few will maintain their resolutions beyond the return to school/work/normal life etc.
So why do we make these promises to ourselves when we know there is a very high probability that we will fail to keep them? We make a lot of promises in the course of our lives. How many of them do we make without the slightest intention of keeping? How many of them were unattainable, meaning no matter how much we wanted to, we would never have been able to keep them? I stopped making New Year resolutions many years ago. A new year is a good time to take stock, but really we should always be taking stock of the precious things in our lives.
All of this got me to wondering about those promises we make to the "one" we love. How many couples this year will promise their love, loyalty, fidelity to just one person? More importantly, how many of them will manage to keep that promise?
We go into marriage or partnership, making that promise, yet for some reason at least 40% of us will cheat on our partner and 30% of those couplings will end up in the divorce courts. Today, a high percentage of young people go into marriage with the belief that this realtionship may not work. It doesn't stop them from making the promises to each other. So roughly one in three of us make a promise we, in all likelihood will not keep, to someone we care about deeply.
Of course, it's impossible to know in advance whether or not you can keep that promise; and it would be exceptionally naive of me to suggest that making a promise is anything close to black and white. But maybe it's not the making of the promise that needs attention. Afterall, we make our promises (or at least I hope we do) with the best of intentions. So why then do we break them? Was it a promise only until "someone I like better comes along"?
There's no point in pretending that getting married to someone stops you from being attracted to other people. It doesn't (despite what my wife might wish for!). But that promise you made should be the reminder that, whilst you might be attracted, you already have something attractive and precious back home. Something that's built on trust - the trust that you will keep your word; that you will cherish and hold dear the love of another. When we break our promise, we break that trust.
That doesn't mean being married equals not being attracted by other people. I know that I flirt with people I'm attracted to - it just happens, blood flows in my veins and I will be attracted to a pretty woman, such is life. But there's a line. Sure there are times when the lust meter kicks in and you think "wow" and other such thoughts.. ahem.. ok, back on track. I'm realistic. I don't try to kid myself that being married means I'll never have feelings for someone else; but to take those feelings anywhere beyond friendship is stepping over that line.
We make promises when actually what we should be doing is acknowledging the compromises we will make in the course of our lives together. Two people cannot live together longterm without making compromises; balanced compromise - relationships falter when one partner does the compromising and the other always gets their way. That's the point when someone outside of the relationship becomes more attractive.
At what point do promises get forgotten?
I'm married and intend staying that way, so I don't have an answer to that one. One of my friends though has just got divorced and her view is that the promise is forgotten as soon as the ceremony is over. I'm not sure you can make a promise of this magnitude to someone you hardly know. My friend and her partner knew each other for less than a year when they married. Now maybe that seems a long time, but to me that means the relationship is still in the throws of lustful attraction. The negotiation stage hasn't yet been reached, and that's when we really get to know how deep our feelings are for someone. The negotiation stage is where we learn about our willingness to compromise for each other. That's when the makes or breaks happen and if you haven't reached that stage before you marry, then I guess that puts the promise into jeopardy.
So how did I get here? I was writing a short story, which has the working title of "the promise" although I doubt that will last the course. The fact that three of my friends are currently in the process of divorcing got me to thinking about promises and how easily we break them. I also wondered how much we are influenced by other peoples' relationships and not just our own parents. As a thought it has a lot of potential.
John Cleese said he thought that the marriage licence should be like a dog licence - renewable every three years or so. He may have a point - maybe three years in the first instance, renewable for a further 3 or for life. Now there's definitely a lot of potential in that thought!
